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The listings for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. shows a lighthearted dual-language show and an ad-libbed theatrical company. Conspicuously absent from the advertised line-up is the upcoming global football draw, presumably because it is a strictly invitation-only event. Organizers likely want to keep out any uninvited attendees from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory spectacle where highly compensated dignitaries will doubtlessly echo the well-worn platitude that "football unites the world."

A Star-Studded Line-Up

A glamorous event is set to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum alongside diminutive American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football star Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Together, they will host a ceremony that will undoubtedly have British football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, numbered balls.

Scheduled to last nearly three grueling hours, the show will feature a lengthy agenda of speechifying, overly sentimental video montages, scripted gags, celebrity guests, performances from acts with perhaps no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Draw Detail

Included in those helping to conducting the ceremony? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all plucking numbered spheres under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of charisma possessed by these veteran sporting icons, barring an uniformed snatch-squad storming the event, it's difficult to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential spokesperson is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that high prices are justified when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Football Business

With over forty teams already qualified for next year's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will play in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which comes before the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and special actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is mostly in the US, speculation about the recipient are widespread, even if the clues are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-match losing streak, offering a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"